In a news release from Vatican City today, Pope Francis announced a shortened more streamlined version of the bible. The edits are meant to clarify confusion about some of the better known chapters and verses. The socialist Pope Francis was quoted as saying, "It's all the Americans fault. They started defunding basic education over 30 years ago, so now they are a nation of imbeciles". The radical pope later said "You can pretty much throw a dart at any page in the Bible and use it to justify killing your kid, raping your daughter, or screwing a horse.And come on,an ark with two of every animal in it? Seriously?"
He went on to say, "And what's up with the obsession about everybody begetting everybody else? That's just weird.I can hardly stand reading it myself it is such a freaky book.Our Bible is even freakier then the Koran and I can't read that book without getting drunk first.".
Pope Francis later brought the current front runner of the GOP into his decision to clarify the bibles intent. The radical anti-tru-Christian pope said "Americans are going to vote for a candidate who thinks that two Corinthians walked into a bar. I mean, what the hell". He later stated "These people think that they can go out for a good 'ol fashioned gay bashing on Saturday night, get up and wear their mixed fabric Hillary Clinton pantsuits to church on Sunday morning, and then gorge on shrimp fest at the Red Lobster. That's not how any of this works".
The changes are expected to take the form of straight forward lists. The radical anti-American Islam loving Pope explained, "It will basically be a book of lists. Two columns. Good stuff you go to heaven, bad things, you go to hell unless you ask forgiveness right before you die.Oh,and those Priests that like little boys get a pass too.".
An example of good things are expected to be things like feeding and clothing the poor, healing the sick, hanging out with hookers and Mexicans, or making brilliant Star Wars sequels. Things that are expected to be on the bad list include such actions as selling your daughters to be gang raped, horse orgies, and saying on national television that you want to have sex with your daughter. The radical commie pope then said "shrimp is the new apple". A chuckle was heard under his breath.
The pontiff explained to the crowd outside of the Vatican "It has to be so simple that even The Donald Trump can understand it. Simple enough for Pat Robertson to not get confused and that's a tall order. Yet so short that the average American attention span can grasp it without the use of Adderall.
Pat Robertson had a massive stroke upon hearing the news, but he is expected to make a full recovery since God loves him best. .
Greg Gutfeld,long time Pope hater had this to say to Rev Robertson, "God speed Pat Robertson.We here at Fox News will be looking forward to your leadership and guidance now that the radical commie Pope has gone all Damien Thorn on the world.